I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I understand Curling. That high.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
