this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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