It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
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