I've blown a few things in my day
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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