i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
