just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
