Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
