I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
