I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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