holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
