this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
