That's when you crack a 10am beer
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
