i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
