my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
