Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
