please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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