jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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