After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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