Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
