The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize