Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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