a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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