New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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