96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
