fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
