My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
