i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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