I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
