Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
