there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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