Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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