I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
