I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
