I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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