imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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