M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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