I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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