My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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