Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
