It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
