i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
