If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
