I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
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That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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