This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I did not marry a roomba.
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