Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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