Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
