You can't special order awesome
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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