The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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