I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
