Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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