My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just gift wrapped bread.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
