come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
