WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
