im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
