You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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