The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
