Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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