i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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